I wish I could say that my foray into the world of witchcraft stemmed from a true desire to discover the potential power of paganism or release the goddess within but frankly, it was because I was broke. I was fumbling through the £1 bin outside a second-hand bookshop and came upon The Modern Witchcraft Spellbook by Anna Riva. “A spell,” Madame Riva said, “is an ‘instant miracle’ – a way to accomplish your objectives without work, study or delay.”
As I was tired of temping, didn’t fancy an evening course in IT skills and needed an immediate cash flow, I figured one small pound might produce one massive money miracle. I bought the book.
Back home, I found my cupboards were bereft of not only basic food stuffs but vital witchy ingredients:
To attract money: Take a square of green cloth, put in Borage, Lavender, High John the Conqueror Root and Saffron (or any four appropriate herbs), a few crystals of rock salt, and three silver coins. Tie with gold and silver thread in eight knots. Keep on your person or about the house.
What the hell is Borage anyway? High John the Conqueror - of what? Does parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme count as four appropriate herbs? Could I use table salt? When’s lunch?
I tried another spell:
To increase your wealth, soak the gold part of marigolds in water for three days. Add a few more marigolds each day. After three days pour in a little red wine and a white feather. Keep this mixture in your window until you have the amount of money you need.
Right, this meant buying flowers, waiting three days, and wasting precious wine. And the only feather I could find was a very un-white pigeon’s. I needed another method, one that didn’t ask for stuffing spices or unhygienic bird moult. Magic less prosaic and more enchanting.
And at the back of the book, after the increasingly esoteric herbal combos (Gilead buds and Tonka beans anyone?), Anna Riva had this final directive:
To call upon the forces that can grant your desires, you must cast a sacred circle. At the four points of the compass, place a symbol for the four elements. Then ask the spirits for help.
This sounded more promising. I enlisted the aid of vodka (without asking) and sorted out my symbolic circle.
The symbol for West, said Anna, was Water – easy, a glass of tap water (thought Perrier too pretentious.)
East – Air – um, a feather? Light as air… no, that meant back to the pigeon. I settled on an old Happy 30th Birthday (ok, really old) balloon, half-filled with Stolly breath
South – Fire – another cinch, a candle (beeswax, more organic)
North – Earth – not sure if muddy footprints on carpet count…. but then, quite pleased with myself, I found a moonstone (once kept under my pillow to ‘align my womanly cycle’ until I went back on the Pill)
Feeling a sliver ridiculous, but emboldened by booze, I walked clockwise around my circle-space and, stopping at each symbol, ‘called’ on the spiritual forces.
‘Hail, North, Power of Earth, bring the practical, hands-on element of money into my life ..... uh, cash, basically.
“Hail, East, Power of Air, help me to grasp the abstract, intellectual side of money so I learn to understand overdrafts and negative equity (not that I own a home or anything).
“Hail, South, Power of Fire, make me passionate and generous about money and unafraid to give it away to others, except chuggers.
“Hail, West, Power of Water, teach me to go with the flow, so that when money slips through my fingers, I know there’s always more where that came from.”
Then, a last-minute flourish: I took a 1,000 lire note I’d inexplicably saved and burned it in the candle flame. I figured this symbolised my goodbye to the old money attitude, hello to the new Euro-me, kind of thing. Then I sat in the circle’s centre and envisioned myself with an overall sense of monetary well-being. When I envisioned an overall sense of the carpet burning, I woke up and went to bed.
The next morning, my flat buzzer rang, early. A bike courier thrust a clipboard in my hand and I signed for an envelope. Inside was a brand-new Capital One card with a £800 credit limit. Wow, I thought, this shit actually works!
Ok, I had filled out the credit card application and posted it weeks ago – the point was, I had a terrible credit rating and had been rejected loads of times. Yet, here it was, nearly a grand for me to spend, the morning after I had cast a money spell.
After a few days of over-excited shopping sprees, I embarked on further spell experimentation. Why not call upon the elemental forces to find me a proper job? Temp secretary work was slowly stealing my soul…. So once again, I cast my sacred circle – balloon, feather et al – and asked my spiritual guardians for some serious employment magic.
And then the phone rang. It was a recruitment agency, with a possible post at a start-up website. Ok, I had sent them my CV ages ago and it was just a job interview, but I still thought the synchronicity pretty startling.
Was I indeed a white witch? I thought it might be time to test the big broomsticks and ask for the ultimate – a man. I cast my spell, calling upon the elements to bring me a intellectual (air) but practical (earth), easy-going (water) but passionate (fire), brand-new boyfriend who was really, really into me.
And the next night, very drunk at a bar, I met Sebastian. Who was all of the above and really, really into me. And with this hat-trick of spells, I considered myself quite ready to open a coven.
But then….
1. I fell waaay behind in my credit card payments and had to cut up the card.
2. I grew to despise my tedious data entry job at the uber-trendy web company and had to quit.
3. I realised I would never get over Sebastian’s shoulder hair and had to dump him.
Spells, I learned, only work in the short term. And they only affect the material world; there is no guarantee how they will affect you personally. I thought I was waving a magic wand but I was only wishing for what I thought I wanted. And so I ended up in debt, jobless and single again. Oh well. Like the saying goes, be careful what you wish for, you might just get it!
Oh, and Madame Anna Riva? I wikipediaed her and her real name is Dorothy Spencer, she lives in the States and sells voodoo supplies. But don’t worry, I ain’t about to start sticking pins in dolls…. yet.
