The Mod Goddess Guide

Life is a lot more complicated than when Goddesses ruled the world. Oh, ok, Goddesses never really ruled (the Gods invented patriarchy before they could) but they certainly guided. They were icons of dutiful worship, sometimes of passionate devotion; always influential in people’s life decisions. Their stories were celebrated, passed from mother to daughter, moulded into myth.

But do Goddesses have any relevance to modern women's lives? In a world of computers and cocaine, IVF and plastic surgery, lipstick lesbians and toxic bachelors, is advice from Aphrodite going to cut it? Can some dusty draped goddess from ancient Athens still have something to say to the 21st century girl?

Actually, not all Goddesses are Greek – every culture on earth has Goddesses in its spiritual history. And not all Goddesses are good. Like real women, they can be silly, spiteful, cranky, wicked... the tales of some Goddesses are cautionary ones.

Let's look at Goddesses from our global past and transfer them to the present. Whether they are Goddesses to admire or ones to avoid, their stories can help us all become Mod(ern) Goddesses.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Money

Credit card bills, overdrafts, payslips, cash machines…if money is mostly on your mind, you either have too much or too little of it. But then, the cunning trick of capitalism is that nobody ever thinks they have just the right amount. Two crucial points about money: make sure it’s your own and earn it legally. No gold-digging rich old guys into early graves and no stealing. Still feel penny-pinched? Light a candle for Lakshmi, the Goddess of Wealth.

This graceful Hindu goddess lounged serenely on her lotus and smiled benevolently on anyone wishing to acquire wealth. Well, not anyone. Lakshmi was said to only visit those people who kept their houses clean and worked hard. Lazy slobs didn’t get a look-in. And without getting too technical, she actually covered several categories of wealth, from granary to progeny to er, elephants. Monetary wealth was only a small part of the true prosperity over which she reigned.

Ok, you may not have any elephants, but chances are you have food and family. Keep your flat tidy and your hands busy, in case Lakshmi drops by. And take this test. Can you afford a new pair of shoes every month? Do you own more shoes than days in a month? Yes? Then, relatively, you’re rich. Maybe you could foster a little girl in India who owns just one pair of shoes. With or without heels, you'll both stand a bit taller.

Mod Lakshmi – Oprah Winfrey: host of the highest-rated TV talk show in history. Oprah was born in rural poverty, raised by a mother on welfare and is now considered the richest African American of the 21st century and the world's only black billionaire. She donates more money to charitable causes than any other celebrity... she personally gave $10 million to build homes for Hurricane Katrina victims.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Sex

You’re trying to find a window in your scintillating social diary - no, can’t do Tuesday, that’s Tom – because you’ve met yet another member of the male species whose body beckons. Well, a particular part of his body. Funny, once you convinced men you thought romance irrelevant and dating dreary, you’re getting laid. A lot. Which is great. Grabbing hold of the sex sword without fear is the first rule of sexual prowess. The second rule is knowing when to let go of it. If you are hanging on for the bucks, the blow or just to hear somebody call you baby, maybe it’s time to dish the dirt on Ishtar the Mesopotamian Goddess of Love.

Ishtar was the It-girl of ancient Iraq, the babe of Babylonia. She was considered the ‘courtesan of the gods’ and the matron of prostitutes. In other words, she slept with whoever she damn well felt like. After a while, she ran out of lovers and thought she might see whose underwear she could remove in the underworld. She tried to blag her way in but the gatekeeper said (wait for it) 'your name's not on the list' and anyway, she could only enter if she removed an article of clothing at each of the seven gates …. by the seventh, Ishtar was completely naked and face to face with the Queen of the Dead. She complained about her treatment – 'don't you know who I am?' - and was promptly turned into a decaying slab of meat.

Don’t oversell yourself and end up way past your sell-by date like Ishtar. You don’t have to sleep with that many frogs to know that eventually all princes snore. A lively libido is lovely but it ain’t the be-all and end-all. Love yourself first, the sex will come. And if it don’t, just love yourself until you do. That’s what vibrators are for, doll. There are plenty of men in the sea... just don't spend all your time swimming in it or you may drown.

Mod Ishtar – Paris Hilton: hotel chain heiress with a serious over-exposure problem. She's tried jail, X-rated videos, pop music, reality tv, horror films, jewellery design and perfume creation but still can't seem to shake the scent of a spoiled rich girl who epitomizes our vacuous, sex-crazed celebrity culture. Now out of prison, Paris says she is no longer superficial, wants to work with sick children and has found God. No word on whether she's slept with him yet.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Fashion

You are leafing through Vogue and come to the realisation you have morphed into Ms Morbidly Obese. How did this happen? Well, according to the distorted mirror society’s style police have placed in our dressing rooms, unless you are a frowny zero-sized supermodel and wearing a thousand dollar designer dress, you really aren’t attractive and might possibly be repulsive. Anyway, you certainly are fat. Puncture this air-head idea with an arrow from the quiver of Artemis, the Huntress.

Artemis was the original Greek green goddess – athletic and outdoorsy, she was a strapping girl who had no time for frills and frou-frou. Once, she was bathing naked in a forest stream and caught a hunter spying on her. She immediately transformed him into a stag and then (animal lovers look away now) his hounds tore him to shreds. Artemis was proud of her body but also felt it did not exist to be gawked at... or covered in über-expensive frippery.

Kill the razor-sharp fashion stare that cuts women down to a size that ain’t natural. You needn’t hire a pack of dogs or take up archery like Artemis to do so. Don't diet and don't live on a diet of glamour magazines. Throw on a cheap-and-cheerful frock, take some long cellulite strides and tell fashion to take a hike. Be a big girl.

Mod Artemis – Lily Allen: singer-songwriter whose wry lyrics and breezy reggae tunes made her a My Space star. Her quirky style of retro ballgowns and trainers was so popular she formed Lily Loves, a line of dresses, shoes and accessories sold through New Look. Lily has spoken out against the 'size 0' straightjacket of fashion and says her clothes promote a 'positive body image'.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Drugs

You’ve spent the better part of a weekend at a swish country house of a friend of a friend 'powdering your nose' and guzzling cava with a totally-not-your-type posh boy who in retrospect was no Prince Harry but you snogged him anyway and you find yourself at Monday dawn, wired and worried about work in three hours and wishing you had some valium… who you gonna call? Why Mab the Intoxicator of course!

Trust the Irish to have this ballsy goddess. Mab or ‘Queen Maeve’ was a warrior, the female protectorate of the magical realm that was Tara. She imbibed potions that gave her fortitude for the good fight, was not shy of swallowing a skinful and was known ‘to buy victory with her willing thighs’. In other words, she took stimulants, got drunk and slept with the enemy. But not all the time. Mab was known to stop the war whenever she had her period. She knew that a girl needed a rest from excess occasionally. If only to ensure she was strong enough for the next round.

So if you’ve had a tired-and-emotional toxic pile-up and are feeling the battle pains, think of Mab. And don’t be hard on yourself. You took your turn on the front line, now leave it for the other sister-soldiers. Take a break from the booze, delete that dealer’s number from your moby and have a hot bath. Get through Comedown Tuesday first, then work on the next weekend.

Mod Mab - Kate Moss: iconic, ultra-successful model who has appeared on more than 300 magazine covers. Photos showing her using cocaine caused a scandal and several of her high-profile modelling contracts were cancelled. But support from the fashion industry and a general 'so-what' attitude from the public did not damage her career and Kate is still one of the top models on the planet.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Creativity

Right, this is the night you are staying home and putting those poems to paper. Or pulling out the paint brushes. Or downloading that music software. Tonight is the night you are not turning on the television, phoning your girlfriends, polishing your toenails. Tonight you play with your imagination. Oh, no! You just got a text from HIM saying he wants to play with you… and your creativity crashes. Before you rush out the door, let Brigid the Celtic Goddess of Spring be your bouncer and make sure she stops your inspiration from leaving too.

You gotta admire a goddess who has her own holiday. Every year, on the first of February, pagans frolicked in anticipation of the warm winds and fertile rains Brigid would bring come spring. But she wasn’t just a farming fraulein. She was also the perfectionist, high-status goddess of poetry and craft skills, like blacksmithery. She encouraged her people to tell tales, to forge something fantastic out of nature’s offerings. Her sacred flame was guarded gravely by priestesses – any man who tried to grab a light died, turned mad or had his ‘lower leg’ withered. Which soon set him straight.

Tend your creative spirit. Keep the fire alive. Don’t let a man or a mate try to snuff it out. And don’t be your own wet blanket and claim you are not creative. Brigid isn’t asking for ‘Pride and Prejudice’ or ‘Poppa Don’t Preach’. Try and make something with your mind that you didn’t read in a magazine, with your hands that you’ve never held before. It’s important to be a producer, not a consumer – shopping is a zero skill. Play with play-doh... have fun! Have something in your house that you made and didn’t buy, whether it’s a haiku or a hat.

Mod Brigid – Tracey Emin: an intensely personal artist who is unafraid to reveal her innermost traumas and intimate tales. Whether working in painting, sculpture or fabric – her most famous piece is an embroidered tent, entitled 'Everyone I Have Ever Slept With' – she has staked an audacious, orginal place in art. Tracey was chosen to represent Britain in the 2007 Venice Biennale and has also published a memoir, Strangeland.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Work

You are in a work meeting and presenting an important project on marketing trends for your company. Your power-point skills are in full flow when it’s pointed out that your figures couldn’t possibly make sense if you had seen the departmental email on last quarter’s drastic sales drop… grrr, how had you forgotten to include that? Undoubtedly the dimwit temp’s fault. But blaming him will sound paranoid and professing ignorance, pathetic. Time to grab the thick skin of Pasowee, the Buffalo Woman.

This tough cookie was a Native American Goddess – stolen from her tribe, she made a daring night-time escape but was caught in a powerful thunderstorm. She grabbed an old buffalo skin for protection. Lying under this rudimentary shelter, Pasowee came up with a terrific housing plan for her people: the teepee. When she returned and demonstrated how buffalo skins stretched and supported could create quite a cosy abode, she was immediately promoted to Construction Chief.

Get your buckskin on, baby, and weather the work-storms. Own up to accounting errors, reply to emails and don’t take too many sick days. With a resilient pelt like Pasowee’s you needn’t take job-stuff personally. And think outside the hide. A spell-checked report might get read but a brilliant idea might get a raise.

Mod Pasowee - Anita Roddick: founder of The Body Shop, a natural cosmetics chain that started as a small shop in Brighton and thirty years later, had 2,000 stores in more than 50 countries. She pioneered ethical consumerism, advocating fair trade and recycling but received some criticism when she sold her company to the L'Oreal corporation for £652 million. Sadly, Dame Anita Roddick died in September 2007 but she will be remembered as one of the most innovative female entrepreneurs.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Technology

You listen to your i-pod on ‘shuffle’ mode while you download a video clip from You Tube on your laptop. Of course you’re working wi-fi. An email pings in, reminding you to update your database of friends on Facebook. Your mobile beeps: there’s an SMS message from your mate. You text back the usual white lie: c u soon. Another email, with an attachment announcing tonight’s podcast of the band you favourited on My Space. But you have a date… at least, your Second Life avatar does, with a new Resident; you’ll post details on your blog later. You’re connected and communicating - but you haven’t actually talked to anyone. Dive in with Mazu, the Chinese Goddess of the Sea.

How can a watery goddess untangle the tough wires of technology strangling you? Well, Mazu was not only a goddess but a real woman. Lin Mo was born in Taiwan in 960 AD and from birth possessed a strange combination of practical and supernatural intelligence. She had an uncanny ability to predict the weather, especially ocean storms. But she failed to forecast the typhoon that swept her fisherman father overboard until her ‘second sight’ saw him drowning. She fell into a trance and in her mind, pulled him to safety, until her mother shook her awake. Lin Mo came back to the real world; her father never did.

The cyber network that links you to others is a wonderful web but don’t become ensnared in it. Like Lin Mo, don’t mistake the virtual for verity. It took thousands of years for Mazu’s shamanistic skills to become exalted as goddess-like; a year from now, will anyone notice that software upgrade you cleverly downloaded onto your desktop? Turn off your plasma-screen computer and read a book. Take out your mp3 earphones and play some vinyl. Meet a mate for a double latte in Starbucks... but don't take your phone! Know how to use technology; know how not to let it use you. (Oh, alright then, you can still buy a Blackberry.)

Mod Mazu – Martha Lane Fox: co-founder of Lastminute.com, an online business that become a beacon of the internet dot.com boom and managed to survive its bust. But shortly after cashing in her company shares, Martha herself barely survived a horrific car accident. Her near-death experience shifted her focus and considerable fortune away from technology and towards more human-based endeavours such as prison reform and female education in Africa.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Marriage

Ok, it’s bouquet tossing time at a friend’s wedding so of course you frantically scramble to, um, hide in the loo. Not because you’re allergic to flowers, but because it’s damn embarrassing to be gaily told ‘You’re next!’ when there is no hint of a husband in your life. You're not even sure if you want one, not while you’re still battling those glass ceiling bruises. You’re proud to be a spinster who is resisting pressure to get spliced too soon, yet you don’t want to put that whole partner-for-life game into perma-frost. That’s cool… just don’t walk down the same aisle as Hera, the Goddess of Marriage.

Hera was the sister and wife of Zeus, the capo di tutti capi of the Roman gods. Mythological incest aside, this meant she was both his friend and sexual mate, pretty much a perfect mix for a successful spouse. But the marriage was stony – Hera was jealous of her husband’s compulsive promiscuity yet unwilling to relinquish the stature and influence of her position. This imperious goddess preferred to be the bitchy power behind the throne rather than a joyous woman with no throne at all.

Maybe there is a man out there for you, maybe there ain’t. Be grateful we’re not in the Jane Austen age anymore, where a woman was considered an ‘old maid’ at 24! Don’t panic about being partner-less. Think what you’d do this weekend if you had a man – hang-gliding, hatha yoga – then do it anyway. Avoid toxic bachelors and thrice-divorced dads if you can. On lonely-only days, say to yourself: “At least I’m not married to an asshole!” Take it from Hera, husbands don’t buy happiness. Embrace your single life and chances are someone will want to embrace you for life.

Mod Hera – Ulrika Jonsson: Swedish blonde bombshell TV presenter. Ulrika has had affairs with a famous footballer and an even more famous football coach. She's been spliced twice and is about to be marrried a third time. Her first marriage to a cameraman lasted five years, her second, to the winner of a 'Mr Right' reality TV show which she hosted, lasted less than three and her third... who knows? She has admitted she may be crazy pinning her hopes on husband number 3, but says she couldn't resist a sparkling ring.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Motherhood

You’re shopping for supper when an infant’s wail pierces the supermarket silence. What’s your reaction? A disdainful sigh because you find noisy kids distracting while you search for stringbeans? A look of sympathy because you figure it’s tough buying groceries with an ill-tempered toddler? You might intuitively crave a child, no matter how loud. You might be a fanatical fertility slacker. If it’s tricky making peace with how you feel about creating this primal connection, join the daughters of Oshun, the Mother Goddess.

The African tribe of Yoruba believed Oshun was the ‘sweet mother of us all’ and the siren of the seas. On a more prosaic level, she was the original single mum. She had loads of kids, and when forced to turn tricks to support them, they were taken from her and put into ‘goddess care’. Eventually a nice bloke married her, her brood was brought back and Oshun became a respected community advisor. She was particularly helpful with pregnancy problems but encouraged all women to rejoice in being female, with or without a bump.

Surrogate mothers, IVF treatments, sperm donations, good old-fashioned fathers… there are myriad methods but babies are still up to you, baby. However they land in your arms, just make sure love is the passionate push behind them. Or you can press ‘snooze’ on that biological clock; hell, be brave and admit you never heard it. Maybe you're not a 'yummy mummy' but an 'awesome aunty'. Like Oshun says, protecting and caring for children is in the realm of all women. You may never change a diaper but it doesn’t mean you don’t give a damn.

Mod Oshun – Angelina Jolie: gorgeous mega-movie-star who has made motherhood a main focus in life. She has one birth daughter, Shiloh (thanks Brad), and three adopted children: Maddox from Cambodia, Zahara from Ethiopia and Pax from Vietnam. Angie ain't the only one... other stars who've adopted include Madonna, Michelle Pfeiffer, Diane Keaton and of course, the 'mother' of them all, Mia Farrow, who has ten adopted children.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Sisterhood

Your gal pal telephones, in tears. Fight with the boyfriend, he wants out, she wants a sisterly shoulder to cry on. But you cry off – the last thing you want is an evening nodding and uh-uhing down the phone line, checking your watch to see if it’s too soon to claim ‘Ugly Betty’ has started… It’s not always pretty watching a friend fall apart and it takes patience to put the pieces back together. Besides, isn’t that what therapists are paid to do? If you are tired of lending an ear but want to lend a hand, listen to the tale of Amaterasu, the Japanese Sun Goddess and Uzume the Goddess of Dawn.

She might have been the Sun Goddess but Amaterasu was a timid thing and once, when her brother the storm god got drunk and went on a rampage, she sealed herself inside a cave. This was a bit annoying, as the earth was plunged into darkness and crops began to wither and die. Everyone begged her to come out, but she stayed put. Then her friend Uzume, who also ran a lucrative sideline as the Goddess of Revelry, had an idea. She hung a mirror on a nearby tree and performed a silly/sexy erotic dance before the cave. This caused such laughing and cheering that Amaterasu became curious and peeked out. She saw her own reflection in the mirror and, stunned at her own radiance, returned to the sky to light the world.

You can’t have dawn without sun as Uzume quickly realised. She brought out the best in her sister goddess Amaterasu because it benefited her too. Just agreeing ‘he’s a bastard’ ad nauseam won’t really shift gears and might just stall the friendship. And if you’re the dial-a-moan mate, put down the mobile and get mobile. You should give energy to your girlfriends, not earache. Go for a power walk together and every quarter mile, point out some amazing aspect of each other. Invite that cool lesbian couple for lunch to get the lowdown on real sister solidarity. Share your sunshine and you'll all beam a bit brighter.

Mod Amaterasu & Uzume – Trinny and Susannah: fashion gurus and style advice team. They started as newspaper columnists but became really successful as the posh double act on TV's What Not to Wear who gave sometimes life-changing makeovers to sartorially-challenged participants, not without tears and a boob grab or two. They met at a dinner party, didn't like each other at first, but now, after 13 years in business together, are worth a bundle and are best mates.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Age

How to tell you have an anti-aging attitude: 1. You subtract a couple of years off your age when asked. 2. You fork out 50 quid regularly for ‘anti-gravity serum’. 3. You assume BY0B on a party invite means Bring Your Own Botox. If you’re using dodgy math, weird science or plastic surgery to abate the onset of age, you’re trapped in the quicksands of counterfeit youth. Before you go under, take a bite from the basket of Idunn, the Norse Goddess of Eternal Youth.

Idunn was very popular with the other goddesses as she was the apple keeper – and for the Vikings, an apple a day kept the years away. She was pretty proud of her pommes and the power they held; she herself looked preternaturally youthful from chomping her way down to a few cores daily. One day a trickster said he had found an apple tree with even more effective fruit… he lured her into the woods where an evil giant, disguised as an eagle, swooped down, grabbed Idunn and her apple-basket, and spirited her away to his far-off mountain lair. This kidnapping meant no-one looked like a kid anymore. The trick had backfired: although Idunn was eventually recaptured (disguised as a nut, but that’s another story), her age-defying apples were gone for good.

Unlike Idunn and her clan, you have to accept age, apples or no apples. Whether you are in the twilight of your twenties, thrashing through your thirties, fighting 40 or facing fifty, you are getting older. Face it, don’t fear it. And don’t spend so much on face cream… don’t you honestly think if an ‘anti-gravity serum’ had been discovered, NASA would have patented it by now? You’ve been ageing since you were born – deny this and you deny your life force.

Mod Idunn – Yoko Ono: avant-garde filmmaker, composer and conceptual artist, now in her seventies. Yoko's career in the art underground was well-established before she met and married Beatle John Lennon, and they both became radically involved in the peace movement. His tragic murder made her an iconic widow but she continues to work as an artist, recording songs, and speaking out against racism and sexism.

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The Mod Goddess Guide to Power

This is not the first time you have slept with The Male Model but it is the first time he has requested you wear handcuffs. On the one hand, they are purple and fluffy; on the other, they do actually lock with a key. Which he is holding. Hey, you say, not sure about this. Oh come on, he insists, it will be fun. Damn, he’s gorgeous. But your wrists hurt. Stay and play? Or go away? Perhaps Lilith, the Hebrew Demon Goddess, can help you decide.

Bet you didn’t know Adam had a first wife. Before Eve. Lilith was created, like Adam, from the dust of the earth. She was no spare rib. Adam had hoped for a docile helpmate but Lilith expected equal footing in the Garden of Eden. They quarrelled. In the sack, things were worse: hubby insisted on sex only in the missionary position; she refused to be so submissive. In the end, Lilith left – her sexual liberation was more important than a perch in Paradise. Chastised for her independent zeal, she was vilified as a demoness. It was said that she was the serpent that slithered into Eden and seduced Eve into biting that alluring apple…

Trussed or tickled? Only by stating what you don’t want in bed – or in life – will your true desires emerge. Don’t doubt these; feel entitled to them and enjoy their potency. Lilith is portrayed as a vengeful ex-wife but she only wanted to share her secret with Eve: power is acting on the assumption that your wants will be honoured. (If only the two had kept in touch!). Desires rule the world; make sure you rule yours.

Mod Lilith – Germaine Greer: gutsy feminist, whose seminal book, The Female Eunuch made her a prime, if polemical, voice of the women's movement. In it, she ascertained that Western women have been separated from their libido and their faculty of desire and consequently, cut off from their capacity for action. The original sexual liberationist, Germaine has backtracked a bit, but continues to publish and provoke.

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The Mod Goddess Guide is a Book!

The Mod Goddess Guide is now in paperback form - please click on the link below to buy your own personal portable guide. Or buy one for a friend!